Thursday, May 04, 2006

Keeping it Real

Sarah and I have been busy this morning cleaning house. We have a pretty small space so it can get cluttered, dirty and dusty in a hurry. We are about a week overdue on cleaning so it's nice to be getting that taken care of. I love scrubbing the kitchen sink.

My two new words for how I've been feeling are 'blank' and 'dread'. I have been feeling sort of out of it since sometime in January, maybe longer. When I get over stimulated or overwhelmed I tend to blank out. I find myself standing in my studio looking at the table or going over nothing in my head, over and over. It's weird, but 'blank' pretty much sums it up. I came up with 'dread' a few days ago. I'm not depressed, I know what that feels like. Maybe this is what could lead up to that. Or not. ?? I find that I wake up with a feeling of dread. Dreading not knowing what to do, dreading seeing my family, dreading walking the dog, dreading going back to bed at night. Whatever. It's strange but that is how I feel. I think with Sarah being in school for the past two years and me being home a lot by myself that I have sort of gotten lost. I have gotten caught up in some of my Fears and that often leads to procrastionation, dread, and blankness. I have told myself often that I need to work on my daily routine. My pots are going okay, but sure I could be doing more, and I could be playing more and allowing myself to have some fun and not feeling guilty about it. Some of this stems from living so close to my family. (long story).

Right now it kind of feels good just to put this out there. What comes next? Action? Contemplation? Play? Sleep? Food? All of the above? Something new? ??